Forget the Rubiks Cube... I'm in a mirror maze

This was a tough weekend on me. So I "thought" I knew what I was going to do. I made a decision a couple weeks ago that I was going to stay in Myrtle Beach. I do love the warm weather and having the keys to my new place directly on the beach would've been nice. So last Wendesday, I began my journey back to Mass to pick up my furniture from Storage. We began the drive on Wednesday and arrived early Thursday morning. We slept for a few hours, met up with my cousins to have mongolian hot pot in quincy, my brother had just landed from France and joined us... After dinner, we headed off to Super 88 and got Yo Berry and Boba tea. After that, we went to the airport to pick up my other cousin who had just flown in from the Bahamas. It was a lot of fun. We went to Caffe Victoria's in the North End, got cappucchino and cannoli's and then headed back to the hotel for some rest.

The next morning, I woke up and realized I had made the wrong decision.  I couldn't do it.  I didn't feel right moving my stuff down to South Carolina.  I met up with my Cousin at Dunkin Donuts and sat there for 3 hours freaking out.  I decided to stay.  What the hell is going on with me....  I felt awful, for getting everyone together to help me load up the truck.  Well.. that truck made it back to South Carolina empty.  I spoke with my Boss and gave my notice, He wouldn't let me leave and offered to let me work from home in Mass and try to grow in the New England Area.  I had a better shot of saving my condo at this point if I was the primary resident so I'm hoping that'll work.  Our base salary's have been cut since January and it's becoming impossible to live on just commissions.  I still had to cover the mortgage in Mass plus I'm stuck in my lease here until September.  


For now... I don't know what the hell is going on... but my gut is yelling gibberish to me.  But looks like I'm back in mass for a while...

Life is like a Rubiks Cube....

I'm starting to realize maybe I have absolutely no idea what I want in life. I mean really, I'm turning 28 in 17 days and heading into my 30s. For a while there, I thought moving to Myrtle Beach was my dream and it still is... in a way but it's not exactly what I pictured.... now I'm just confused.

I've been here for almost 4 months now. Living in a resort, on the beach .... I'm always bored. Making friends down here has been difficult - seems that everyone drinks a lot and I haven't found a community of people that are just good ole friendly. I suppose it's a bit difficult to make new friends considering the average age here in the resort is mid 40's and up and mostly everyone here is on a vacation basis and leave shortly after they arrive.

As for work - I've met some really great people there but I don't necessarily want to be close close friends with someone I work with, especially when there's only like 8 of us in the company.

As for my personal life, Travis has been up in Wisconsin since I've moved down here. go figure, I come closer and he goes further away.  Funny now he wants to look for a new job down here and I'm like,..um.. sweetie, I'm not sure if I want to stay here. I do...but my guts telling me something too and I cant hear it clearly yet but it's trying.

I miss my family like crazy. I miss my being able to hang out with them whenever and I miss having a circle of friends I could call on to have coffee, to have a snack, to talk about the everyday humor and everyday crap.

As for work, I'm really just not motivated.... what happened to me? Ever since Oracle, it's like I lost my passion for what I do and I've lost my drive to want more from work. This new job frustrates the hell out of me. It's like people don't care whether or not we grow. It's all in the moment, reactive, and there's a seriousl lack of teamwork all around. There's a lot of problems here. There's absolutely no sense of urgency, not enough customer service, not enough external or internal support. Morale sucks cause everyone is so burnt out all the time. There are no processes, no documentation, and no momentum. Maybe not the right job for me I'm starting to realize.

I have this winter rental resort until April 1. I've decided to give my until March 1st to decide what I want to do. I do love it down here in Myrtle Beach but there's not much more it has to offer me. The job market is extremely limited and as for things to do? besides the beach and the bars - you're on your own. Things close early, there are no museums, there are some state parks and stuff but unless you have a buddy to go with you? it's not safe to be alone in the woods. There's no Asian foods, there's 2 Thai restaurants - they are both mediocre, and neither can nail down pad Thai. No Vietnamese, No Korean, No Chinese. There is plenty of Hibachi places - they're becoming more popular down here. Couple of really good sushi places. and then a couple of nice deli's and bistros. Honestly just not enough for me.

The way I see this working.... cause i don't necessarily want to give up on this ....is maybe starting something of my own. I was thinking gathering up my tech friends and seeing if there's any interest in helping with me. I got the sales down, but lets be honest... not so much the tech.... as least not right now - once I'm back into it. I know I'll catch back up. Then I thought... ok, I do like technology, but do I LOVE it? maybe 89% love it. Then i thought about starting my own jewelry business. I'm still researching this option. Looking at books, researching available workshops that I could take to learn. I want to do way more than beading. I want to do Metalsmithing, molding, pouring metals, etc... Jewelry making would be more of a hobby probably.... I'd love to see it turn into something more. I love jewelry, I love it! what more fun then to make it. but again... maybe more hobby then career. but wouldn't it be nice to do what you love for work. and I love to make things - pretty things :)

Then the other option was working with my brother to start a web design/photography company. now we can talk talent (what I lack). He's got the talent for sure. he can program, he can make websites, he can definitely take the most magnificent pictures and capture "the moment". but is there money in this? plus he's only available part time until school is finished so that would limit the amount of customer we could manage successfully. I don't' want to do it to give crap service. Service is everything.

Then again, I'm back to my current job. Am I just thinking about giving up too soon? I used to be hungry for that sale, hungry for the next close and now I'm just not that motivated. I just go through the motions and its not fun. It's not exciting and I know someone else will fuck up my process of winning my next deal here. 3 days to return a call to a customer whose PC broke down? 3 days - don't even call? hello? can you say goodbye to my 400K deal? yeah... thanks for the support guys. I don't feel like my company backs me up and I don't have enough faith in our services. sad right? I have to have confidence in my product and services and we have some serious issues that no one want to address. If you don't change what you're doing, your situation will never change. but in this economy - do I even have the right to complain and put my job at risk by giving my opinion (which really isn't welcome here).

So that leaves me right back to where I started... crap... what do I do now? I need a life coach.