Lost in the world

So a little background to begin this blog.

Beginnings are always a little rough right? I've been working full time since I was 13. Highschool during the day, work from 3-11. I lost my dad to lung cancer 4 days after I turned 17. 3 months after that, I moved away from home with one trash bag full of clothes and a 13 inch TV. It took a long time to get started, I slept on the floor in my little Studio in East Boston for 6 months, stole plenty of toilet paper from the Burger King down the street and ate instant noodles and white bread for close to a year. I went from working full time to working double time holding 2 shifts a day to support the roof over my head. Couple years later, I over ambitiously decided to take on School at night time. Working 3 jobs and taking 3 classes a week, and eventually, my health gave out and I burned out. Hence why I moved to Maine at the end of 2001.

Maine was such a different life. It was quiet, people were simple, I could go to the ocean anytime I wanted, I fished, I hiked, I went for walks, and I was finally....relaxed. Don't get me wrong, the job market there was brutal. After realizing that driving back to mass everynight to work an overnight shift was close to deadly in the winter time.. I ended up fileting fish at Bristol Seafoods in my kneehigh water boots, fishnetted hair and an extremely sharp knife and working at a call center. Life was simple, money wasn't great, but having a good state of mine was priceless. I was there for about 2 years, recovered from overworking, paid off some bills and decided to move back to Mass in 2004 to get a higher income prior to my next move. I bought a Condo in Lowell to provide myself some stability, I found work at a corporate travel firm and stayed there for 3 years.

Last year was my turning point. I reached a point where I just really learned to love and respect myself more than ever before. I feel like life has completely passed by me and I live to work. Unfortunately, feeling like that has it's consequences and really changes the way to think, how you react, and how you make your decisions. Right when I started feeling like this, I had just started my new job at a huge software form. This is my ultimate dream job.. I went to school at night to learn about the their technology and even starting taking up some programming courses. Quickly after I started here, I came to realize that maybe this is not in line with my ultimate personal goal. Let me tell you, it is not easy to work in a high pressure environment when the end result doesn't take you any closer to your personal dreams. After re-evaluating and this process is on going... I realized that my happiest was when I was in Maine when things were simple, life away from work was enjoyable and I found a peace that I never had before.

So,... my dream and this is where it starts... I want to simplify. I've traveled somewhat frequently to check out various locations that could provide the lifestyle that I want. On the top of my list, Charleston, South Carolina. Why? well, it's like Maine without the snow and the brutal winters. However, some of the same issues remain... Job market is not the greatest. This is the biggest disadvantage to living in South Carolina. There are very limited jobs that provide an income that can cover my existing debt and allow me to live within my means. However, I love the area and I am adament on finding a field position that will allow me to stay within the software industry and allow me to have the lifestyle I want while being able to pay off my debt in a reasonable amount of time and upkeep with my new life. All in All, I love South Carolina. I love the land, the ocean, the simplicity and beauty and the quiet.

With that being said. it's not been an easy feat. I've been actively applying for jobs and have not had such a great return. I have a strong resume, willingness to work, and skills that are hard to find. The economy is not helping much unfortunately. A lot of companies have hiring freezes, see my MA address and don't want to deal with a relocation, hesitate to hire on someone that does not have the local area knowledge, but more commonly, just don't pay enough. now I'm not asking for a billion dollars, but I still own my Condo - it's been impossible selling it in this market so I have opted to rent it out. Unfortunately the rent does not cover the mortgage payment, tax, condo fees, and upkeep. so at the end of the day, I'm still responsible for a hefty $700 a month. I have to factor this in. I also have my car loan, my student bills, insurance, and credit card debt (which is almost gone). If only I could get rid of my mortgage, I could take one of these lower salaried positions - but then again.... does it make sense to step back after working over 10 years to get to where I am today? maybe... maybe not.

As of today, I won't see a rent payment until October 1st this year. I also just took on a new territory at work so probably won't see any commissions until October 1st. My savings account is dwindling down everyday that I'm not living my dream. My fear is that it will continue to dwindle to nothing and then I won't have the means to move and I'm stuck up north for yet another winter. I am currently staying with my mom while I work forward to this big move and after being away from home for over 10 years - this is not easy. There's 10 people living under the same roof, privacy is long gone, and to have to report my whereabouts is something I will NEVER do. I miss my personal time and space. The gym has been my escape..

So my dream is there everyday, I look forward to this and I want this more than ever. Now I just need to fill in those gaps and be able to take the next step of finding employment in South Carolina and making the move. The effort has been there and still is. I make a step towards them everyday. but there's been an invisible wall blocking me and I don't know what that wall is made out of but I must find a way to break it down.