Forget the Rubiks Cube... I'm in a mirror maze

This was a tough weekend on me. So I "thought" I knew what I was going to do. I made a decision a couple weeks ago that I was going to stay in Myrtle Beach. I do love the warm weather and having the keys to my new place directly on the beach would've been nice. So last Wendesday, I began my journey back to Mass to pick up my furniture from Storage. We began the drive on Wednesday and arrived early Thursday morning. We slept for a few hours, met up with my cousins to have mongolian hot pot in quincy, my brother had just landed from France and joined us... After dinner, we headed off to Super 88 and got Yo Berry and Boba tea. After that, we went to the airport to pick up my other cousin who had just flown in from the Bahamas. It was a lot of fun. We went to Caffe Victoria's in the North End, got cappucchino and cannoli's and then headed back to the hotel for some rest.

The next morning, I woke up and realized I had made the wrong decision.  I couldn't do it.  I didn't feel right moving my stuff down to South Carolina.  I met up with my Cousin at Dunkin Donuts and sat there for 3 hours freaking out.  I decided to stay.  What the hell is going on with me....  I felt awful, for getting everyone together to help me load up the truck.  Well.. that truck made it back to South Carolina empty.  I spoke with my Boss and gave my notice, He wouldn't let me leave and offered to let me work from home in Mass and try to grow in the New England Area.  I had a better shot of saving my condo at this point if I was the primary resident so I'm hoping that'll work.  Our base salary's have been cut since January and it's becoming impossible to live on just commissions.  I still had to cover the mortgage in Mass plus I'm stuck in my lease here until September.  


For now... I don't know what the hell is going on... but my gut is yelling gibberish to me.  But looks like I'm back in mass for a while...

Life is like a Rubiks Cube....

I'm starting to realize maybe I have absolutely no idea what I want in life. I mean really, I'm turning 28 in 17 days and heading into my 30s. For a while there, I thought moving to Myrtle Beach was my dream and it still is... in a way but it's not exactly what I pictured.... now I'm just confused.

I've been here for almost 4 months now. Living in a resort, on the beach .... I'm always bored. Making friends down here has been difficult - seems that everyone drinks a lot and I haven't found a community of people that are just good ole friendly. I suppose it's a bit difficult to make new friends considering the average age here in the resort is mid 40's and up and mostly everyone here is on a vacation basis and leave shortly after they arrive.

As for work - I've met some really great people there but I don't necessarily want to be close close friends with someone I work with, especially when there's only like 8 of us in the company.

As for my personal life, Travis has been up in Wisconsin since I've moved down here. go figure, I come closer and he goes further away.  Funny now he wants to look for a new job down here and I'm like,..um.. sweetie, I'm not sure if I want to stay here. I do...but my guts telling me something too and I cant hear it clearly yet but it's trying.

I miss my family like crazy. I miss my being able to hang out with them whenever and I miss having a circle of friends I could call on to have coffee, to have a snack, to talk about the everyday humor and everyday crap.

As for work, I'm really just not motivated.... what happened to me? Ever since Oracle, it's like I lost my passion for what I do and I've lost my drive to want more from work. This new job frustrates the hell out of me. It's like people don't care whether or not we grow. It's all in the moment, reactive, and there's a seriousl lack of teamwork all around. There's a lot of problems here. There's absolutely no sense of urgency, not enough customer service, not enough external or internal support. Morale sucks cause everyone is so burnt out all the time. There are no processes, no documentation, and no momentum. Maybe not the right job for me I'm starting to realize.

I have this winter rental resort until April 1. I've decided to give my until March 1st to decide what I want to do. I do love it down here in Myrtle Beach but there's not much more it has to offer me. The job market is extremely limited and as for things to do? besides the beach and the bars - you're on your own. Things close early, there are no museums, there are some state parks and stuff but unless you have a buddy to go with you? it's not safe to be alone in the woods. There's no Asian foods, there's 2 Thai restaurants - they are both mediocre, and neither can nail down pad Thai. No Vietnamese, No Korean, No Chinese. There is plenty of Hibachi places - they're becoming more popular down here. Couple of really good sushi places. and then a couple of nice deli's and bistros. Honestly just not enough for me.

The way I see this working.... cause i don't necessarily want to give up on this ....is maybe starting something of my own. I was thinking gathering up my tech friends and seeing if there's any interest in helping with me. I got the sales down, but lets be honest... not so much the tech.... as least not right now - once I'm back into it. I know I'll catch back up. Then I thought... ok, I do like technology, but do I LOVE it? maybe 89% love it. Then i thought about starting my own jewelry business. I'm still researching this option. Looking at books, researching available workshops that I could take to learn. I want to do way more than beading. I want to do Metalsmithing, molding, pouring metals, etc... Jewelry making would be more of a hobby probably.... I'd love to see it turn into something more. I love jewelry, I love it! what more fun then to make it. but again... maybe more hobby then career. but wouldn't it be nice to do what you love for work. and I love to make things - pretty things :)

Then the other option was working with my brother to start a web design/photography company. now we can talk talent (what I lack). He's got the talent for sure. he can program, he can make websites, he can definitely take the most magnificent pictures and capture "the moment". but is there money in this? plus he's only available part time until school is finished so that would limit the amount of customer we could manage successfully. I don't' want to do it to give crap service. Service is everything.

Then again, I'm back to my current job. Am I just thinking about giving up too soon? I used to be hungry for that sale, hungry for the next close and now I'm just not that motivated. I just go through the motions and its not fun. It's not exciting and I know someone else will fuck up my process of winning my next deal here. 3 days to return a call to a customer whose PC broke down? 3 days - don't even call? hello? can you say goodbye to my 400K deal? yeah... thanks for the support guys. I don't feel like my company backs me up and I don't have enough faith in our services. sad right? I have to have confidence in my product and services and we have some serious issues that no one want to address. If you don't change what you're doing, your situation will never change. but in this economy - do I even have the right to complain and put my job at risk by giving my opinion (which really isn't welcome here).

So that leaves me right back to where I started... crap... what do I do now? I need a life coach.

My Sweet Dream is becoming Reality

so.... I did it! I have accepted a position as Sr. Account Executive in Myrtle Beach at an IT Firm. This is SO exciting! I'm giving my notice at my current job this morning and then I'm off to Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning to go hunt for apartments. Everything is coming together!


The new job opportunity is so exciting, the people I will be working for (from my interactions) are genuinely good people, work hard, sincere, and are funny. After some grueling negotiations this week, we came to an agreement and the offer letter has been signed and sent.


As for housing, there are a couple of options I am looking into. My first pick so far (and I haven't seen it in person yet but is beautiful) is on Kingston Plantation. It's a private resort ON THE BEACH with a private beach. They are townhouses, split level. 2 bedroom downstairs, jacuzzi in master bath, patio, living room upstairs with a fireplace, full kitchen and balcony and then a loft that can be used as a 3rd bedroom or an office. The facilities are beautiful. It's in a wooded area with walking paths throughout. 50,000 sq ft Sports and Fitness facility with an indoor pool. 5 tennis courts and all the utilities are included with the rental to include cable and housekeeping!

Everything is falling into place... It's been an extremely tough few weeks and everything is finally falling into place. I'm so happy I might explode and confetti would go everywhere.

Down to the wire

So it's now the last week of August 2008 and I'm supposed to be at least in the process of moving and I'm not. Close.... but no spaghetti. The good news is that my new tenant has moved in as of August 23, the first month is free so I'll start seeing the rent checks in October 1. Even if I fall a little behind this month and next due to the lack of commissions - I guess I will be ok, at least I'll somewhat break even.

Now I'm only down to 2 things - maintain my savings account and add to it when I can and continue looking for employment down south. I have decided that taken a substantial paycheck would be a stupid move. I've budgeted everything down to the wire and know exactly my minimum base salary must be and then commissions will come with hard work. That is awesome that I definitely know but not so awesome that it narrowed my search of available jobs down to a handful.

I'm still unwilling to settle in a different location like Atlanta or Charlotte as some have suggested. Not to be stubborn, but the whole point of this move is to get away from the major cities... Charlotte and Atlanta are both great cities, but it would probably mean that if I do get there, I'll probably just eventually move again to get to where I want to be. At this point - it's really not worth it. So I'm sticking with my plan - it's what I want and I'm not deviating from it.

So not much of an update other than having my place officially rented out. One step at a time.

Lost in the world

So a little background to begin this blog.

Beginnings are always a little rough right? I've been working full time since I was 13. Highschool during the day, work from 3-11. I lost my dad to lung cancer 4 days after I turned 17. 3 months after that, I moved away from home with one trash bag full of clothes and a 13 inch TV. It took a long time to get started, I slept on the floor in my little Studio in East Boston for 6 months, stole plenty of toilet paper from the Burger King down the street and ate instant noodles and white bread for close to a year. I went from working full time to working double time holding 2 shifts a day to support the roof over my head. Couple years later, I over ambitiously decided to take on School at night time. Working 3 jobs and taking 3 classes a week, and eventually, my health gave out and I burned out. Hence why I moved to Maine at the end of 2001.

Maine was such a different life. It was quiet, people were simple, I could go to the ocean anytime I wanted, I fished, I hiked, I went for walks, and I was finally....relaxed. Don't get me wrong, the job market there was brutal. After realizing that driving back to mass everynight to work an overnight shift was close to deadly in the winter time.. I ended up fileting fish at Bristol Seafoods in my kneehigh water boots, fishnetted hair and an extremely sharp knife and working at a call center. Life was simple, money wasn't great, but having a good state of mine was priceless. I was there for about 2 years, recovered from overworking, paid off some bills and decided to move back to Mass in 2004 to get a higher income prior to my next move. I bought a Condo in Lowell to provide myself some stability, I found work at a corporate travel firm and stayed there for 3 years.

Last year was my turning point. I reached a point where I just really learned to love and respect myself more than ever before. I feel like life has completely passed by me and I live to work. Unfortunately, feeling like that has it's consequences and really changes the way to think, how you react, and how you make your decisions. Right when I started feeling like this, I had just started my new job at a huge software form. This is my ultimate dream job.. I went to school at night to learn about the their technology and even starting taking up some programming courses. Quickly after I started here, I came to realize that maybe this is not in line with my ultimate personal goal. Let me tell you, it is not easy to work in a high pressure environment when the end result doesn't take you any closer to your personal dreams. After re-evaluating and this process is on going... I realized that my happiest was when I was in Maine when things were simple, life away from work was enjoyable and I found a peace that I never had before.

So,... my dream and this is where it starts... I want to simplify. I've traveled somewhat frequently to check out various locations that could provide the lifestyle that I want. On the top of my list, Charleston, South Carolina. Why? well, it's like Maine without the snow and the brutal winters. However, some of the same issues remain... Job market is not the greatest. This is the biggest disadvantage to living in South Carolina. There are very limited jobs that provide an income that can cover my existing debt and allow me to live within my means. However, I love the area and I am adament on finding a field position that will allow me to stay within the software industry and allow me to have the lifestyle I want while being able to pay off my debt in a reasonable amount of time and upkeep with my new life. All in All, I love South Carolina. I love the land, the ocean, the simplicity and beauty and the quiet.

With that being said. it's not been an easy feat. I've been actively applying for jobs and have not had such a great return. I have a strong resume, willingness to work, and skills that are hard to find. The economy is not helping much unfortunately. A lot of companies have hiring freezes, see my MA address and don't want to deal with a relocation, hesitate to hire on someone that does not have the local area knowledge, but more commonly, just don't pay enough. now I'm not asking for a billion dollars, but I still own my Condo - it's been impossible selling it in this market so I have opted to rent it out. Unfortunately the rent does not cover the mortgage payment, tax, condo fees, and upkeep. so at the end of the day, I'm still responsible for a hefty $700 a month. I have to factor this in. I also have my car loan, my student bills, insurance, and credit card debt (which is almost gone). If only I could get rid of my mortgage, I could take one of these lower salaried positions - but then again.... does it make sense to step back after working over 10 years to get to where I am today? maybe... maybe not.

As of today, I won't see a rent payment until October 1st this year. I also just took on a new territory at work so probably won't see any commissions until October 1st. My savings account is dwindling down everyday that I'm not living my dream. My fear is that it will continue to dwindle to nothing and then I won't have the means to move and I'm stuck up north for yet another winter. I am currently staying with my mom while I work forward to this big move and after being away from home for over 10 years - this is not easy. There's 10 people living under the same roof, privacy is long gone, and to have to report my whereabouts is something I will NEVER do. I miss my personal time and space. The gym has been my escape..

So my dream is there everyday, I look forward to this and I want this more than ever. Now I just need to fill in those gaps and be able to take the next step of finding employment in South Carolina and making the move. The effort has been there and still is. I make a step towards them everyday. but there's been an invisible wall blocking me and I don't know what that wall is made out of but I must find a way to break it down.